When Irish Eyes Are Smiling: Jokes by Maury Collins

SMILE AND BE HAPPY!!!!!!

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all,”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.
A golf gun? What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.

A little boy went up to his mother and asked, “Mom, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
The mother replied, “Well son, you must have got it from your father, ‘cause I still have mine.”

I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep.

A woman visited a fortune teller.  In the dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the fortune teller delivered the bad news.  “There is no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt.  Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering  candle, then down at her  hands.   She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.  She simply had to know.  She met the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I get away with it?

Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, ‘Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.”   Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, ‘Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.”

“Murphy, why don’t you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?” said Mrs. O’Leary?
“It’s too late,” replied Murphy.
“It’s never too late,” assured the virtuous Mrs. O’Leary. 
“Well, there’s no rush then,” smiled Murphy.

Pat went to town to see a movie.  The ticket agent asked, “Sir, What’s that on your shoulder?”
Pat answered, “That’s my pet rooster, Irish. Wherever I go, Irish goes.”
“I’m sorry Sir,” said the ticket agent, “We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
Old Pat went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.  Then he returned, bought a ticket and entered the theater.  He sat down next to two old widows named Katie and Maggie.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.  Pat unbuttoned his fly so Irish could stick his head out and watch the movie.
Maggie whispered to Katie, “I think the guy next to me is a pervert. He undid his pants and has his thing out!”  “Well, don’t worry about it,” said Maggie, “at our age, we seen it all.” 
“I thought so to,” said Maggie, “but this one is eating my popcorn.”

An artist has his work on display at the local gallery.  He stops in to see how sales are going.  The gallery owner says, “I have good news and bad news.  A gentleman came in and asked if your art would be more valuable after your death.”  I told him, “Of course.”  He bought all of your works.”
“That’s great!!! But what is the bad news?” 
The gallery owner told him, “He was your doctor.”

Oscar had a terrible mishap at the lumberyard as he pushed a tree through the buzz saw and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.  He rushed to the emergency room, where the doctor examined him and said, “No problem.  With today’s technology, I can reattach the fingers.”
Oscar, in terrible pain, groaned “But I don’t have them.” 
The shocked Doctor said, “Why not?” 
Oscar moaned, “I couldn’t pick them up.”

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” 
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

 

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