Jokes! When Irish Eyes Are Smiling

When Irish Eyes are Smiling
by Maury Collins

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said.
The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

It is the first day at the kindergarten in Dublin when the children are no longer allowed to use baby words, but only words that adults use. “Sarah,” says the teacher, “what did you do at the weekend?”
“I went to visit my nana,” replies Sarah.
“No,” says the teacher, “we don’t say nana any more, what do we say?”
“My grandmother,” says Sarah.
“And what did you do at the weekend, Padraig?” asks the teacher.
“I went for a ride on a choo-choo.”
“No,” says the teacher, “we don’t say choo-choo any more, what do we say?”
And the little boy answers, “Train!”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “And what about you, Patrick?” asks the teacher.
“I read a book.” “Very good, ” says the teacher, “What was the name of the book?”  Patrick replies, “Winnie the Sh*t!”.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.  “If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.  One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest.
He then asks the elderly couple, “Have you completed the month with sex?”  “Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple. 
“How about you?” He asks the middle-aged couple” It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
“And how about you two?” He asks the young couple. “No we couldn’t do it,” responds the boyfriend.   
“Tell me why,” says the priest.  “Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.”  The priest then tells them, “You’re not welcome in my church.” 
“We’re not welcome in the supermarket either,” says the boyfriend.

A Christmas Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”  “She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

  • To All Employees From Management: Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
  • Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
  • Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
  • Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
  • Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
  • All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
  • Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
    In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Merry Christmas.

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