When Irish Eyes are Smiling
By Maury Collins
Two kids went into their parents’ bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” said one youngster to the other, “don’t step on it!” “Why not?” asked the sibling. “Because every time Mom does, she lets out an awful loud scream!”
Mother: Why are you crying?
Mark: Dad hit his hand with a hammer.
Mother: I’m surprised you’re not laughing.
Mark: I did.
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, “Yes, sir!”
Correcting him, she said, “You would say, ‘yes, sir,’ to a man. I am a lady, and you would say ‘yes, ma’am,’ to a lady.” To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, “What would you say to Daddy?”
“Yes, sir!” came the reply. “Then what would you say to Mama?” “Yes, ma’am!” he proudly answered. “Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?” He lit up and said, “Can I have a cookie?”
A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when the officer’s hat blew off down the sidewalk. “Would you like me to get that for you?” asked the prisoner. “You must think I’m an idiot!” said the officer. “You just wait here, and I’ll get it.”
The woman pulled her car over to the side of the road when she heard the police car’s siren. “How long have you been driving without a taillight?” demanded the officer.
“Oh, no!” screamed the woman. She jumped out and ran to the back of the car.
“Just calm down,” said the officer. “It isn’t that serious.”
“But wait ‘til my husband finds out!”
“Where is he?” “He’s in the trailer that was hitched to the car!”
Alex: Weren’t you afraid when the robber pulled a knife on you? Will: No. I knew he wasn’t a professional. The knife still had peanut butter on it.
A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for two hundred dollars. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the radio telling them to break up a group of people loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “People, move off this corner!” No one moved, so he yelled, “Get off this corner now!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, looking puzzled. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Okay, how did I do?” “Not too bad,” replied the veteran, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
One morning a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is?”
“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to the office.
At 11:00, the doorbell rang, and when the woman answered it, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1:00, a foil-wrapped box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later in the afternoon, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!” she exclaimed when he walked in the door. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!”
A man arrived at the emergency room with both of his ears badly burned. “How did this happen?” the doctor asked. “I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang, and I answered the iron by mistake,” explained the man. “Well, what about the other ear?” the doctor inquired. “Oh—that happened when I called for the ambulance.”
In the doctor’s office, two patients are talking. “You know,” says the first, “I had an appendectomy last month, and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake.”
“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “Do you feel much pain?”
“No pain at all,” says the first, “but I do get thirstier than I used to!”
The students in a second-grade class were asking their teacher about her newly pierced ears. “Does the hole go all the way through?” “Yes.” “Did it hurt?” “Just a little.” “Did they use a needle?” “No, they used a special gun.”
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice quietly asked, “How far away did they stand?”
A man returns from an overseas trip feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings.
“Hello. This is your doctor. We have received the results from your tests. We’ve found you have an extremely contagious virus.” “Oh, no!” cried the man. “What are you going to do?” “Well,” said the doctor, “we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“And that will cure me?” asked the man.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but it’s the only food we can slide under the door.”