Wise Craic July 2020
By Maury Collins
Paddy and Murphy are at a worksite. A slate falls off the roof, slicing Murphy’s ear off. Paddy picks up the ear and asks: “Murphy, is this your ear?” Murphy replies “No, mine had a pencil behind it.
Paddy says to Murphy; “Set the alarm for five.” Murphy replies, “You fool, there is only two of us.”
Paddy got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn’t meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws ‘guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day’. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. “Let me look at it”, said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. “What’s that noise?” said Paddy?
The Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow. “Slide down the rainbow, and shout out something, and you’ll find it at the bottom,” he says to them.
Paddy the Englishman slides down and shouts gold. He lands in huge pot of gold.
Paddy the Scotsman slides down and shouts silver. He lands in a huge pot of silver.
Now, Paddy the Irishman hadn’t been listening too well, and so he got on the rainbow, began sliding, and shouted “WEEEEEEEE!”
Paddy rode his bike to the bottle shop to get some whiskey. After choosing a bottle, he walked out to his bike. He was just about to put the bottle in the basket on his bike for the ride home, but then he thought, if I fall off, it might break.
So he drank it first … which turned out to be a very good decision, because he fell off seven times on the way home.
Pilot says to the passengers: “One engine has failed, but don’t worry, this plane has four engines. It will only add 20 minutes to the flight.” Then a second and third engine fail. Pilot says, “It’s OK, this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight.”
Paddy says, “If the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.”
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation … she never got your e-mail!”
Two Irish hunters hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As they start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says they can only take four moose. The two lads object strongly. “Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot agrees and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can’t handle the load and goes down. As they climb out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick” Any idea where we are? ”
Mick replies” I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away, and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while, Mick says, ‘Do you think this is think this is far enough out, Paddy?’
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. “This will never do, Mick. Let’s row some more.”
After a bit more rowing, Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, “Do you think this is far enough out Paddy?”
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No this will never do.” The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state, when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
“Well is it deep enough yet, Paddy?”
“Aye ’tis, NOW hand me the shovel.”