by Maury Collins
“I punished my pupil for faking his parents’ signatures. The next day, his parents sent a complaint about me to the principal. Well, I couldn’t have imagined that the maiden name of his mother was Batman.”
“My daughter-in-law taught my grandson to cry and shout, “Am I not good enough for you?”
And he does it every time I ask her whether she would like to have one more child.”
“Today I got a strong urge to buy my wife flowers. She accepted them with tears in her eyes saying, ‘Darling, you didn’t forget.’ The most interesting thing is that I still don’t understand what she was talking about. Well, at least I know I dodged a bullet!”
On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie! I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
“Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!”
“Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good, I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
“Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down.
What was your previous job? I asked incredulously. “I ran a funeral home.”
“You name it, we’ll make it!” was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!”
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad vith Russian dressing.”
“Russian Dressing?! Screamed the head cook, “I’ve never even hears of Russian Dressing! What are we going to give this guy?”
“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.” And that’s how it happened that the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.
*Maury Collins is a Charter Member and past president of the John P. Kelly Division AOH and a proud first generation Irish American. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org