By Maury Collins
Murph and Pat are neighbors. They meet at the pub for a pint. Murph says to Pat, did I see you chasing your wife around naked last night? Pat replies, jokes on you Murph, I wasn’t home last night.
Paddy and Mick went fishing, and they are not catching anything. As they’re about to give up for the day, two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish walk by.
“Bejaysus!” Paddy exclaims, “How on Earth did ya catch so many fish?”
The Englishmen explain that it’s a life-hack they’ve been doing for years. They find a bridge, then one of the guys holds the other by his ankles over the bridge and they scoop up all the fish as they’re swimming downstream.
“Genius!” Mick jubilantly cries. So, off they trot up the river to find a bridge.
Paddy lowers Mick over the side with a basket. Shortly after, Mick excitedly yells, ‘Paddy, Paddy, pull me back up!!!’
Paddy, excited by the prospect of a basket of fish, yells back, ‘Great, have ye caught somethin?”
Mick yells back, “No Paddy, there’s a train coming.”
Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips, his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising.”
Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So, Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”. And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.” Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.” “No”, says the nurse, “Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
Paddy says to Mick. I have bought two goldfish. Mick says have you got names for them? Paddy replies, I call that one, One, and the other one I call Two.
Why have you called them that? Paddy replies, well if one dies, I will still have two.
Convicted hit man Jimmy ‘Two-Shoes’ McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack.
*Maury Collins is a Charter Member and past president of the John P. Kelly Division AOH and a proud first-generation Irish American. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org